Dick’s Sporting Goods Chairman Edward W. Stack announced today that rapper, fashion designer, influencer, actor, mogul, restaurateur, entrepreneur, husband, father, uncle, and first-through-ninth cousin Kanye West will serve as the company’s new brand ambassador.

Stack cited Kanye’s “willingness to swallow his pride—among other things—and really get down to business” as a key factor in the decision.

When asked what convinced him to take the role, Kanye said, “Edward told me Dick’s is really just one big family. That spoke to me.”

Pressed by reporters on whether he was concerned about appointing Kanye given his fallout with Adidas and the collapse of the Yeezy brand, Stack responded confidently:
“We’re not worried. In fact, we kind of hope he blows it.”
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OMG y’all!!! We just hit 20k followers!!!
Thank you so much—I appreciate all of you. Yes, Kanye… even you… even though you like fish sticks in your mouth. You’re all loved, and I’m so grateful for the support you’ve shown me and my content.

I started this account because I used to just post memes on Reddit in my free time. But then they booted me for saying things people didn’t like, or asking questions people didn’t want to answer, like:

“Who’s a person whose work ignited passion in others and left a lasting impact on the world?”

“Who’s someone whose untimely death left a gap, but whose influence is still felt today?”

“Who’s someone who spoke with a unique accent, but still managed to have a huge impact on the world?”

I guess Reddit got tired of me going on and on about Alan Turing—who history misunderstood as just a “codebreaker,” probably because, like Kanye, he liked fish sticks in his mouth. He was wildly underrated. His work laid the foundation for modern computing and AI, but he died too young, just as he was exploring artificial intelligence and machine learning. And yet… no one ever guessed him. Nope. They always said [deleted]—who I’ve never heard of??? And seriously, who besides Elon Musk names their kid [deleted]???

Anyway. While I love posting memes and (hopefully) bringing laughter to your day, I equally—or maybe even more so—love writing the long, winding captions accompany them and that most of the time go nowhere, but this time might lead to your doorstep.

So if you’ve made it this far and follow this account:
Comment your answer to the questions above before the sun sets on Kanye West’s birthday (6/8) and you may be the lucky one to receive a small token of appreciation from me to you for your support. I promise it won’t be fish sticks.

Oh yeah… please don’t comment “[deleted].” Thanks.

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Apparently, this song has already been annedbay (that’s Pig Latin, btw!) on every other social media platform—except this one. Which is kinda weird, because, well, you know… Kanye isn’t exactly active on Instagram. So, in theory, it would’ve made more sense for it to disappear from here first.

Anyway, I suspect this song will either resurrect Kanye’s career from the ashes and earn him a coveted gold star—or serve as the final nail in the cross, so to speak. The match that ignites its inevitable incineration. The train that takes it on a one-way trip with no return. The secret staircase behind a bookshelf that leads to an attic where he’ll be forced to lock himself away and journal endlessly like a teenage girl in hiding—obsessing over a childhood crush on his cousin, Peter van Pels (or as he’ll call him, Peter Van Daan), overanalyzing every silence, every shy glance, every awkward conversation, every kiss—until he’s built an entire one-sided relationship in his head that leads absolutely nowhere.

And then, he dies.

And the journal is discovered by his dad, who publishes it—and somehow, it becomes required reading for seventh graders around the world.

Either way, it’s shaping up to be an interesting summer on social media. Maybe it’s time though to take a break and decompress—go on vacation somewhere like the Maldives, Koh Phi Phi, Borneo, or Buenos Aires.

If you read the caption, comment: ‘Peter’s a shy, awkward boy. He’s not even good-looking.’ –Kanye, probably, so people who didn’t read it won’t understand the comments.
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Geez, Jimmy, chill the heck out. You hit 500 million followers and suddenly think you can drop the N-word? Retweeting it counts too, by the way (unless you censor it with **—then you’re cool, apparently).

Wait—can you, though? I’ve heard of the mythical “N-word pass,” but no one’s ever explained how you actually get one. It feels like something out of a fairy tale—like a leprechaun’s pot of gold, a goose that lays golden eggs, a flying carpet, a genie in a lamp, or a polite Frenchman. Cool if true, but I’ve never seen one.

Maybe once you hit 100 million followers, one just magically appears in your DMs? That’d be cool. Or… maybe not. Influencers are mostly tools. Mr. Beast seems solid—he does a lot of good. The worst are the micro-influencers who write long-winded captions that go absolutely nowhere.

Anyway, wouldn’t it be wild if the Black community officially granted N-word passes to select individuals? Maybe just certain Asians—like Japanese (they’re super polite), or Thais, Filipinos, Indonesians… honestly, most of Southeast Asia is pretty chill. Maybe toss in a few Kiwis and Aussies too. They’re laid-back, and with those accents, it’d be kind of hilarious. Imagine if Steve Irwin had an N-word pass. Crikey N-! No? Just me?

Here’s the pitch: a reality show. Think Jeopardy! meets American Gladiators. Contestants compete against the likes of Clarence Thomas, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Mike Tyson, Mariah Carey, Chris Rock, Eminem, Snoop Dogg, etc.—in trivia, athletics, hair braiding, catalytic converter theft maybe even a rap battle—for a golden N-word pass. Winner gets to say it (soft “-gga,” obviously) for one year, after which it’s ceremoniously revoked.

Tell me that wouldn’t be must-watch TV.

And if anyone steals this idea, I expect a 10% finder’s fee—or else you know what I’m gonna call you… not nice!
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