I don’t always nearly die on road trips, but when I do, it’s because my girlfriend is driving and the GPS loses signal just as we’re approaching a six-way highway interchange—with only 100 feet left before our exit ramp on the right—while we’re in the left-hand lane. And she’s totally convinced we can make it, because I told her we could…
Because her mother, Julie, is sitting in the backseat without a seatbelt, silently judging me through the headrest with those eyes that scream, “You’re not good enough for my daughter because you don’t apply yourself—unlike her ex-boyfriend Josh.”

Josh, who applies himself real well when it comes to scoring 💊 and getting his back blown out behind the Super 8 Motel.

We just don’t dare tell Julie, because she’s best friends with Josh’s mom—who’s blissfully unaware of both his “lifestyle” and his little pharmaceutical side hustle… but that’s for another meme.

“Hold on, Julie!!! This is gonna be close!!!”
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When I got to college I had never really heard of Pink Floyd and my roommate was shocked. He said “so you never listened to Pink Floyd while watching The Wizard of Oz?” and I said “no…wtf”. He’s like “you have to experience it” and he was right! Unfortunately we couldn’t obtain Syd Barrett’s favorite candy until a year later at the end of Spring finals week and I’ll never forget the experience. My roommate, myself, and three other guys were hanging out in my bedroom in the basement of our fraternity house. We had just finished watching the Wizard of Oz and started watching “The Wall” when my friend started talking smack about one of our fellow “brothers” who complained to him earlier in the day about the earthy, dank small originating from my room. Rightfully so I may add since we were going through shwag like the Kardashians go through lip filler. Anyway, my buddy started ragging on this guy, who we’ll call “Eric” for simplicity sake and cause that’s his real name, and then I started goofing on him and then all 5 of us started telling stories and anecdotes poking fun of this guy while we periodically zone-out and get lost in the animation taking place on-screen before we pick right back up where we left off and continue making trashing Eric. This continued for a good hour or so before I noticed that one of the guys had been eerily quiet for a long time so I asked him “Are you ok man?” and he just kinda nodded his head toward the side of the room away from the TV. So we all turn and look in unison and wouldn’t you know it Eric was sitting down right there. Haha. He’d be in the room nearly the entire time we’d been goofing on him but we were too f’d up to realize it. Haha that was awesome! If you read all of this post a comment goofing about a dude named Eric who you know.
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Apparently, my phone only has 3GB of storage, so I’ll be deleting excess memes all day and posting them to my stories. I can’t guarantee they’ll be any good, but if you find yourself in a really intense gynecologist appointment—like, the kind where your doctor is screaming about the room smelling like blue cheese—you might want to check them out for a quick escape. Then, once you’ve had a moment to breathe, you can calmly explain that you were just sitting in bed eating Buffalo Wild Wings and, in an effort to keep the blue cheese cup from spilling (while also keeping it warm), you made a choice that, in hindsight, was perhaps unwise.
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Only real ones will wait for the punchline

Here’s some information about the North American beaver:

North American beavers (Castor canadensis) are robust rodents typically ranging from 2.3 to 3.3 feet in body length and weighing between 24 to 71 pounds. They possess dense, waterproof fur, large webbed hind feet, and distinctive orange incisors. Found throughout North America, from northern Mexico to the arctic tundra of Canada and Alaska, beavers inhabit freshwater environments such as rivers, streams, ponds, lakes, and wetlands. Their diet consists mainly of the inner bark of trees like aspen, willow, birch, maple, and poplar, along with aquatic plants, roots, and tubers. Beavers are renowned for their dam-building behavior, creating ponds that provide stable aquatic habitats and regulate water levels around their lodges, which are dome-shaped structures with underwater entrances. As a keystone species, beavers play a critical role in maintaining wetlands, enhancing biodiversity, and improving water quality. Their dam-building activities create habitats for various plant and animal species, supporting complex food webs and ecosystem productivity. Despite historical declines due to heavy trapping for their fur, beaver populations have rebounded thanks to conservation efforts. While they can sometimes conflict with human activities by flooding infrastructure, various management strategies are employed to mitigate these issues, highlighting their crucial ecological contributions.

If you read all of this comment: “ZZ Top, not to be confused with Sloppy Top. I made that mistake once and it tickled”
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